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Control: Creating the Illusion of Safety
Control: Creating the Illusion of Safety
The Courage to Reconnect
Control: Creating the Illusion of Safety
Show: The Courage to Reconnect
S1E8
37 min
Once fear convinces us that the story in our head is true, we don't just believe the story. We start living the story.
That's where control enters The Disconnection Loop.
Control is our attempt to prevent the pain or discomfort we're afraid is coming. We may try to control ourselves by becoming perfect, hiding our needs, or changing who we are. We may try to control other people through people-pleasing, fixing, rescuing, reassurance-seeking, anger, withdrawal, or manipulation. Or we may try to control outcomes by anticipating every possibility and doing everything we can to prevent rejection, conflict, disappointment, uncertainty, or loss. The behaviors can look completely different, but the goal is often the same: If I can control what happens, maybe I won't have to feel the pain.
In this episode, Sarah also explores one of the greatest costs of control: we can become so focused on managing other people, ourselves, and the future that we slowly lose connection with who we actually are. And in our relationships, fear can cause us to stop responding to the person in front of us and begin responding to the version of them our fear has created.
In This Episode
That's where control enters The Disconnection Loop.
Control is our attempt to prevent the pain or discomfort we're afraid is coming. We may try to control ourselves by becoming perfect, hiding our needs, or changing who we are. We may try to control other people through people-pleasing, fixing, rescuing, reassurance-seeking, anger, withdrawal, or manipulation. Or we may try to control outcomes by anticipating every possibility and doing everything we can to prevent rejection, conflict, disappointment, uncertainty, or loss. The behaviors can look completely different, but the goal is often the same: If I can control what happens, maybe I won't have to feel the pain.
In this episode, Sarah also explores one of the greatest costs of control: we can become so focused on managing other people, ourselves, and the future that we slowly lose connection with who we actually are. And in our relationships, fear can cause us to stop responding to the person in front of us and begin responding to the version of them our fear has created.
In This Episode
- Why control is much broader than being demanding or manipulative
- How control follows fear and The Spiral in The Disconnection Loop
- The three places we tend to seek control: ourselves, other people, and outcomes
- Why people-pleasing, perfectionism, fixing, rescuing, hyper-independence, anger, and withdrawal can all function as control strategies
- Why our control strategies can shift from one extreme to another
- How control temporarily reduces anxiety without actually creating safety
- The hidden cost of carrying responsibilities that were never ours
- How control can cause us to lose ourselves while trying to preserve connection
- Why fear changes the way we see the people we love
- How releasing control can create space for more authentic connection
Reflection Questions
As you move through your week, notice the moments when you feel the urge to fix, rescue, people-please, withdraw, seek reassurance, change someone's mind, or control what happens next.
Ask yourself:
- What am I trying to control?
- What am I afraid will happen if I don't?
- What story am I believing right now?
- What pain am I trying to prevent?
- How am I controlling myself, other people, or the outcome?
The goal isn't to immediately change the behavior. Start by gathering information and understanding what your protective strategies are trying to do for you.
Go Deeper
If you're beginning to recognize some of these control patterns in yourself and want to dig a little deeper, the Discovering Your Disconnection Loop Workbook gives you space to work through your own loop and understand the beliefs, fears, stories, and protective behaviors underneath your patterns.
You'll find the workbook and additional resources at SarahMonares.com.
Next time, we'll move into Self-Judgment and explore what happens when our attempts to control don't work. Instead of questioning the strategy, we often begin questioning ourselves.
Remember: Control doesn't create safety. It creates the illusion of safety.
