Control: Creating the Illusion of Safety

Once fear convinces us that the story in our head is true, we don't just believe the story. We start living the story. That's where control enters The Disconnection Loop. Control is our attempt to prevent the pain or discomfort we're afraid is coming. We may try to control ourselves by becoming perfect, hiding our needs, or changing who we are. We may try to control other people through people-pleasing, fixing, rescuing, reassurance-seeking, anger, withdrawal, or manipulation. Or we may try to control outcomes by anticipating every possibility and doing everything we can to prevent rejection, conflict, disappointment, uncertainty, or loss. The behaviors can look completely different, but the goal is often the same: If I can control what happens, maybe I won't have to feel the pain. In this episode, Sarah also explores one of the greatest costs of control: we can become so focused on managing other people, ourselves, and the future that we slowly lose connection with who we actually are. And in our relationships, fear can cause us to stop responding to the person in front of us and begin responding to the version of them our fear has created.